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Sunday, November 19, 2017

The Change

I had once been through a phase where I use to watch a lot of movies alone. At first it was like 'Oh wow my first movie alone in theatre! Write a post, save the ticket.’ Then it started happening a lot and I lost count of how many movies I saw alone in the theatres.

How did that happen?

Well, it was the time when I was doing a lot of 'figuring out myself' things, dealing with depression, anxiety, and loneliness; all in all it was a crazy time. Oh yes, it doesn’t just happen to rich and famous, it’s pretty prevalent. For people from mediocre lives and familes, everyday business gets pretty tough to deal with at times.

Is it easy to talk about it?

It’s tough, I mean people are telling you they love you and care for you all the time but there are days when you just can’t believe any of it. It hurts. The shit is quite real. I remember this one time; I went to my room and locked the door. My father was sleeping in the next room and my mom was in the living room doing some work. And I was crying in my room contemplating suicide. I was planning to gulp all the sleeping pills my psychiatrist had prescribed me. I don’t know if they were sleeping pills or some kind of tranquilisers. All I knew was that a lot of them at a time could do harm. I started reading about them online and it said it may or may not kill, mostly NOT. Suddenly I was petrified. If it kills me then I know, but what if it doesn’t? I knew it could do serious harm and I know mainstream medicine is never spoken of badly in most conventional public spaces. There are always these subtle hints. But what if it really didn’t work? Then what would happen of me?

So I sat there for almost an eternity thinking if I should eat them or not. I was always of this opinion ‘talkers don’t do, doers don’t talk.’ I didn’t even want to leave a goodbye note per say. Just wanted to leave, just wanted to end it all. I was crying, no sound just tears and I could barely breathe. I felt so lonely I can’t describe. I had once seen this movie called ‘what dreams may come’.  As a child, it shaped my principals of 'never commit suicide' at the time when teenagers were committing suicide due to academic failure. I was pretty strong as an individual but then the movie’s actor Robbie Williams himself died committing suicide. Just like so many other apparently strong, successful and happy people have. In the movie Williams’ wife commits suicide and ends up in this no man’s land kind of a place, neither hell nor heaven, but a dark lonely place. It seems that is where all people who commit suicide end up. Suddenly I felt so damn lonely. I was feeling any which ways but I knew if I tried to kill myself to escape this I will only die in body. Me the name would be dead but what about the me inside this body? What about my soul, what if it ends up in that dark loneliness for eternity or for whatever time that I would! I don’t know! I don’t know anything and I won’t even be able to kill myself again! Like where am I going escape to from this escape? Suddenly I felt the room becoming too dark and I got scared. When I die I want someone to hold me tight and tell me how much they love me. I guess there is no better heaven than that, the transition from living to dead is lonely, I wasn’t scared of dying or the pain. I was scared of ‘what next’? Where do I go? How far and long and with whom? All alone? Without even a goodbye. I knew if I was lonely now, killing myself would take me to a much lonelier place so I sat there for a long time before I went off to sleep.

It reminded me of all the people who say they have had near to death experiences. I don’t know what they see or how they feel. I simply don’t know! But I have a certain times felt like I was dying and trust me it’s not much about the living or the dead. It’s the transition that freaks you out. It’s lonely, we are all lonely or rather alone and it’s not easy to deal with it. it’s like entering an empty room with no doors and windows and no one around you or going through a tunnel and no one to tell you when its ends, where it ends. No one to hold your hand and say it’s alright. So when people hold you and say they love you, it may be difficult to believe them but do it for the moment at least, accept that love.

How does one get the courage to stay strong?

One doesn’t. However when you have no choice but to stay strong, you stay strong. People will tell you all sorts of things but then again it doesn’t matter if anyone is there with you or not. This is when you truly realise the meaning of loving yourself. You have to go on. You can’t give up on yourself, simply because you don’t know where you are going to end up, in what shape, in what form? You realize that killing yourself is just jumping from a frying pan into the fire. Slowly it starts to matter less what people have to say or do. So you do what you have to and keep yourself afloat. You watch movies alone, you eat alone, you talk less and you slowly get accustomed to being alone. It’s not something that many people would want to do or accept as a solution, but you don’t do it as a solution! You just do it, because you know you just can’t give up and there is no other way out. 

So does this happen for a reason or no reason at all?

Sometimes there is a reason, a sad or angry situation, perhaps. But sometimes it’s just a deep sense of lethargy, nothing makes sense, there is just no meaning to anything or anyone around you. The world seems a tumbling mass of senselessness.

Was your suicidal moment reasonless?

Not really. I had previously wished to die but never attempted only imagined an attempt. When I was growing, up a lot of kids where committing suicide mostly as they scored less in the exams. One could hear a story in news almost every few months or so. So you heard different conversations and opinions and as a child you are always very sensitive to others/ elder's opinions around you. Hence I never really dared commit but I used to wish death upon myself. I grew up with a lot of abandonment issues and got severely bullied too. But that day I was scared of myself, I had the least painful tools at my disposal and I had a reason to kill myself. But when I sat there thinking about ‘what happens after I take those pills’ it seemed a lot more scary than my reasons to consume them. 

Has anything changed in you after that?

Not much, may be I have become a lot more stubborn and a lot more aloof. Or may be I learnt to pretend how to be happy. Sometimes genuinely be happy. In the sense that nothing truly matters, the ego we hold so dearly, the guilt we can’t rid ourselves from, the love we can’t contain or express, nothing matters as much as staying afloat as long as you can, or as long as the course of things wants you to.

Would you call yourself a nihilist? 

I can’t confirm that yet. I still have values and principles that I strongly stand by, I still have faith, I still strive to make myself and my loved ones happy, but I try not to beat myself up about it or let others pull my strings. 

Can you say you will never ever try to commit suicide again? 

I don’t know, no one knows such things. all I know is I promised myself that day that I would never leave my side, what it may need me to do ? I do not know. 


Because We Have Google

Because we have Google 
Our brains are shrinking 
We don't have to remember anything 

Because we have Google
Our friendships are ruining 
We don't trust anybody or anything else.

Because we have Google 
Our parents aren't parenting 
They're simply Googling 

Because we have Google 
Our teachers aren't teaching 
We are simply copy pasting

Because we have Google 
We have no secret dear dairy
We have a blog thats an open book to everybody

Because we have Google 
We have no library 
We have no chance of exchanging blushed glances with our bookish soulmate.

Because we have Google 
We have no yearning of far away places
We scroll through Google images

Because we have Google 
We are forgetting the magic of theatres
We are simply YouTubing  

Because we have Google 
We aren't really living a life
We are just browsing.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Why should LPG gas never enter our villages!

Two days ago I read a news paper headline that praised a man for providing or helping several rural households to shift from fire wood stove to LPG gas. One week ago I attended a lecture by a man who claimed to have not used LPG gas, fuel and electricity for the last 13 years. Now there were many youngsters and a few old people but almost everyone a city dweller and praising this man, Dilip Kulkarni for his courage to do so when he himself was a city dweller once upon a time. Now he lives in a rural area in Dapoli.
We the developed, we the civilized have ruined enough. Let us not ruin the rural too by forcing/luring/ fooling them into imitating us. So let’s weigh both sides of this debate. Fire wood stove causes smoke, pollution, leads to deforestation, and cause’s respiratory illness in the rural households. Shall we see the counter points?
1) Not all fire wood is acquired by chopping trees; most rural families especially tribal collect the dead dry fallen branches, twigs and leaves like Mr Kulkarni. And let me tell you this matter is abundant as most trees shed annually, so much so that you can store it for the wet seasons too. But wait, what’s that? We don’t have enough trees you say? Well that’s not because they got chopped for fire wood! But because for “development”, urbanisation, timber smuggling!!! No fool will burn down the bank where he/she holds an account. But civilized greedy fools like us would definitely loot the very bank where we hold an account. Also it isn’t always wood, sometimes dried cow dung or cattle dung is also used as fuel. 
2) Smoke, you say? Well designers, engineers all innovative creative thinkers! I beckon you! And some have already jumped to the task, ‘chullahs’ that effectively burn wood giving out less smoke, some convert heat energy into electric energy enough to charge basic cell phones (which is what villagers mostly use) or a torch light, some are designed so that the smoke is let out far away from the house. So this also deals with the issue of - cause’s respiratory illnesses. And if the issue really is about wood smoke or cowdung smoke causing respiratory illnesses, I challenge you so called nature lovers, don’t you dare put on a camp fire will trekking in winters. All you religious or ayurveda fanatics, don’t you dare perform ‘agnihom’ (puja)
3) Pollution? Well, far less than your cars, industries, power generators. Also the major gas that comes out is CO2 as opposed to carbon monoxide, methane, sulphur oxide, etc poisonous gases from other activities.
Now let’s talk about LPG.
1) Do you have any idea how much of natural gas escapes and literally gets wasted during extraction?
2) Did you know natural gas is a limited natural resource? It takes millions of years for it to form!
3) What about the set ups, machineries etc that work to extract this natural gas by ripping the earth, do they not run on electricity generated by burning coal? Is that not smoke, pollution? No may be its fragrant incense sticks for you.
4) What about the productive land that gets wasted on such set ups?
5) What is the material input and pollution caused in the process of making/extracting the material used for filling/containing LPG gas?
6) What is the fuel/ electricity consumption of the transport system used for distributing LPG from point to point?
7) What is the input such as land space, construction material, electricity etc used for storage of gas cylinders?
8) What are the dangers of accidental blasts of such storage centres, distribution channels or end point usage? What is the magnitude of pollution caused then?
When my dear human, are you actually going to use your brains and stop pretending to be using them? We sincerely don’t have much time to be fooling around with this planet anymore and to fool ourselves. Learn to acknowledge real devils as opposed to lesser devils. Just because your LPG gas stove does not give out smoke, it does not mean it’s a saint! Fried food gives out smoke, no matter what medium you cook it with! So would you say fried food is causing global warming?? Would you stop eating it?? Well you definitely should for health reasons and yes fried foods do cause CO2 emissions. But what we are looking to understand here is the relativity. Please don’t be fooled by the government funded media. Do give up your LPG gas subsidies, in fact I’d say give up your LPG gas but not so that our villages are blindly converted into the ever so disastrous cities.
Grow more trees, solar cookers, subsidize solar cookers in villages and in cities, use other forms of renewable fuel and so much more. That’s what we need- real solutions; everything else is a gimmick to win your vote. And before anyone comments, yes I do use LPG as I write this and have been using it all my life. But now I know, and now has my struggle started to live basic. And no matter what, you can’t deny the reality of the debate I have laid out above.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

This soul mate theory will blow your mind away

You may say am a dreamer, of nightmares mostly and I will agree. I dream with eyes wide open, but it’s mostly written off as over thinking. So during one such fit of dream I got thinking about souls and the whole soul-mate theories. It feels just like death, i.e you have to die to know if heaven and hell exist, or is there a universe beyond this, or nothing. I did like to believe its nothing but am not dead yet, just as I haven’t found a soul mate yet. Just as I have found a lot of souls (people who aren’t dead though) men and women who are beautiful (not without their ugly self) and they are all proudly my mates. Just as I see people struggling to be with each other when they are clearly not supposed to or don’t want to. They aren’t soulmates. You don’t need to be an expert to see that. These are the universal errors (pun absolutely intended). It’s like they got married/together when the universe wasn’t looking like some naughty teenagers and then to add to the annoyance decided to remain married/together. I have read enough about soulmates as passionately as someone might read comic books. I think my soulmates aren’t people but some comics instead (the likes of Calvin and Hobbes, lunar baboon, peanuts. I could marry these comics quite literally, no not the makers. Makers are again people and people are mostly assholes). Anyways most articles say everyone has a soulmate or soulmates (hifive polyamory!). Jokes apart, this theory includes friends, family, mentors, life coach, pet, coffee etc in the soulmate category. What I am however interested is in discussing the offspring of the romantic soulmates and offspring of universal errors. 
Soulmates are apparently two elements of the same soul that are split into yin energy and yang energy, birthed on the planet earth and then embark on the journey to find each other (My god universe! You are one heck of a bored psychopath). Apparently these souls come together fornicate and unite as one into the form of their ‘this planet needs no more humans’ child. And so the circle is complete!! (How do you feel about it universe? level one of your psychopathic game complete!) BUT, the real trouble starts when the not so soulmates fornicate and create a soul that wasn’t universes’ plan (universe: “damn you bugs! How did I not see that coming? Device hacked!”). So are these children less evolved or may be more evolved souls than the kids of true soul mates? Is that how more souls get born (souls not bodies). I mean, some souls apparently attain nirvana and free themselves from the cycle of rebirth so there has to be a system of generating new ones right? think about it, how will universe go on playing its sick game if all souls attain nirvana? So what about these mistakes? Are they better like the mistakes of evolution? (Read the theory “evolution is nothing but a series of mistakes”) are they more interesting? Do they not have partner souls as universe wasn’t really planning on them? Are their partners the offspring of another ‘not a soulmate’ couple? You know like, mistakes get along with mistakes! Or are they suppose to team up with kids of true soulmates because they are so damn “complete”, their only hope of undoing the error of their parents. May be that’s what it is; the complete souls help these half souls to become complete and the half souls give these complete souls a purpose and entertainment. Or........
Okay if you want me to shut up, I will shut up. But don’t tell me this is something you can ignore. When the night is dark, the curtains drawn and you are ready to escape to the fairyland, trust me you will lay wide awake and dream of nightmares with your open eyes. And you will be too the victim of “overthinking” then! Or Naah. But think about it, isn’t this all too intriguing?

Sunday, October 8, 2017

हारे हुए की शक्ल नहीं होती

इज्ज़त का शिकार हूं मैं 
वक्त का गुलाम हूं मैं 
पैगाम तो कई आए उस पार से
पर शराफत का नकाब हूं मैं।

मिलना हो अगर तो मिलेंगे किसी रोज़
मिलना हो ही ना कभी तो ना होगा अफसोस 
रोज़ रोज़ मिलने को ना अब बेताब हूं मैं। 

हारे हुए की शक्ल नहीं होती 
बदनाम कभी अक्ल नहीं होती 
इन दोनों से रिश्ता कई बार खो चुका हूं मैं। 

करने को करते हैं हम शायरी 
दरजे के हम नहीं लाज़मी
लफ्ज़ निकलते हैं सो लिखते हैं हम
फटे हुए कागज़ पे भीगी हुईं स्याही हूं मैं।

रुक जा जरा

रुक जा जरा
देख तो ले एक पल!
कैसे खडे है राह मे
एकसाथ होकर भी न मिलकर।
किसी का रंग अलग किसी का रूप अलग
कही कद अलग कही घेर अलग।
किसी की बाँहें आसमान को चूमती 
किसी की हवा संग झूलती 
मगर जड़ें सबकी जमीन पे ही रेंगती।
जैसे कोई जाल रोकना चाहें किसी धारा को 
जो अाज तक किसीके लिए न रुकी।
काट रहे उस तूफान को
जिसने आज तक न जाने काटे है कितनें परवत।
छान रहे उस सूरज को
जिसने जला कर राख कर दिया न जाने कितनों को। 
यह हैं जंगल! 
सदियों से रहा धीट 
प्रतीक अनेकता मे एकता का
भिन्नता मे छुपी सुंदरता का।
कह रहा है तुझसे ऐ इनसान  
रुक जा जरा एक पल 
देख तो ले!
जिंदगी दौड़ मे नहीं 
उस थमें हुए पल मे मिलती है 
कलियां तेरे सीने पर लटकी माला मे नहीं 
मेरी रगों मे झूलती डाल पे खीलती है
जरा देख तो ले!

Monday, September 11, 2017

Because no rose is as rosie as the one in a bunch of sticks. 

Because it won't stop hurting,
You make it stop existing.
Because it won't be the the same,
You tell yourself it was always lame.
Because no one sees what you have become, 
You be who you never were. 

The mornings don't start with chirping sparrows anymore,
Its the drilling of ground opposite my window. 
A new building will rise, 
Just like one fine day mine did.
I wake up cursing them, "rascals took away my view",
Just like the old guy in the old building next to mine did. 
And because no one ever stops cursing, what is happening will happen.

I thought I was making a difference.
I was rendered speechless,
When they asked me, "to whom?"
I thought I was getting better,
But I only got more confused.
I want to breath,
But I keep forgetting.
I want to feel,
But I keep dismissing.
And now the only thing I wait to see,
is the pink skies of equinox.
Because no rose is as rosie as the one in a bunch of sticks. 

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Every parent needs to put this notice outside their door.

Before entering my home please be mindful of the following:

Do dont ask my child what do you want to be when they grow up. Who said they can only be one thing, dont tell them experiencing anything fully is less important than achievement.

Don't ask them what is their favourite subject. Ask them what they enjoy doing.

Don't say things like 'you are to small for this' or 'you are old enough for that.'

Don't say things like you can't or you won't or you shouldn't. Ask them why they want to do what they want to do.

Don't tell them you are very pretty. Tell them exactly what about them you find pretty and also that its just your individual opinion not everyone may agree.

Don't keep smiling at them like a retard or maniac for longer than 5 secs. You can stare blankly at them, smile, laugh, frown, make funny faces even cry if you must. But if you are going to hold eye contact with them for longer than 5 secs let it not be a fake smile.

Don't you dare yell, shout or howl at them unless you were mimcing wolves or shouting with joy.

If you shout on others in front of them say sorry to them after you are done shouting. Remember both compassion and frustration are natural emotions and can be dealt with, hatred however is not.

If they shout or throw tantrums at you simply walk away. If they follow you, tell them you only speak to kind people.

Don't ask them to sing and dance for your entertainment, if they choose to do it just watch. And don't tell/show them how they can better it. You can do that when the stage is all yours.

Don't ask them who do they like more, mom or dad. Ask them instead who is their fav teacher and why.

Ask them what new they learnedand not just in school.

Don't ask them what is their favourite pet.

Ask them when was the last they played with, feed or loved any living creature or went in to a forest.

Don't ask them who is their best friend at school, ask them who are the nice people at school they know and why.

Don't ask them what is their favorite food, unless you yourself plan to cook for them. 

Don't give them gifts without a story. 

If you see them crying don't ask them to stop, ask why and how can you help. And don't help unless they want you to so also ask 'do you want me to help?'. Or else come and talk to me. And while they tell you why they are crying please just listen. Remember children are never shy of asking help due to ego, thats just us. If they dont want your help may be they dont trust you and may be they have a good reason not to. 

If you find anything written above rude. Please do not entre my home. Because I may not be able to control what happens outside this door nor would Istop my children from exploring it but on this side of the door its a sweet haven they return to. 

Thursday, July 20, 2017

The free people dont hate, dont doubt, dont differentiate

Today i met a nomadic lady  at a farm while buying goat dung. She must have been my age and had a 2 yr old daughter. She was dark, bright eyes, forehead smeared with kumkum, hair matted in dreadlocks and with a piercing gaze. The 1st thing she asked me was 'do you have a sister?' Which ofcorse i found quite strange for the first most thing to say to  a person you just met. i nodded yes. 'And brother?' i nodded no. Then she started asking me lot of questions that i found invasive like was my sister married, was i married , where do i hail from what would i do with goat dung and where i got vegetables saplings from. I decided to answer all her questions with a smile instead of the initial hesitation. At that point i got a bit comfortable and started asking her some questions too.

I realized how much we city folks are always on our gaurds, doubting everything and everyone's motives. The only thing we end up gaurding is our ignorance. 

Very often i have had these visions and urges to walk into a forest lured in by the seductress like slanting sunrays or a butterfly. You walk right into the middle of a forest enchanted and wake up all of a sudden. Your are exhilarated and scared at the same time and you couldn't love your life more! That's when you realize what it truely means when you read 'one is truly saved by breaking the walls down not building them, love is met by surrendering not acquiring'. Until then these are merely fancy words.


He: wont you fall in love with me?
She: do you want me to?
He: yes
She:okay, then i will fall in love with you...just like i fell in love with the rest of them, and when the time comes i will get over you...just like i got over the rest of them.
He: why will you get over me?
She: what do you do with people who leave? ......No, I dont hate them. You cant really hate someone you have once loved. You can only love the next one a bit less.

A peck on the lips in a hall full of people

He: hey may be you shouldnt kiss me in front of so many people
She: why are you shy?
He: no its sorry but i cant stay
She: don't worry, won't keep you
He: hm
She: you're the one i would rather live than live with.

A kiss on the lips in a heart full of dreams

He: I really like spending time with you. I did rather just waste all my time with you  than anything else.
She: It is really sweet of you to say such things! You are always saying nice things.
He: but you never do
She: (silent) ...just a little scared
He: of what?
She: (sigh) scared of being too attached to people and then watching them run away from you (shy laugh)
He: is it bad?
She: it hurts bad
He: how do you get too attached to people?
She: because I see people
He: silent (confused)
She: (places a palm on his shoulder) you, you are close to your mom, not much to your dad but you so want to make him proud of you. You are inspired  by him. You have been hurt before, so you hide yourself behind humor and sarcasm, you bottle up your anger. You hate your past lovers but you can't be mean to them, you did rather be behind-the-scenes villan than tell people you hate them to their face. You love being the center of attention. And you know how to frame your words, say all the right things at all the right times. Your kind and sweet but not brave and thats ok.
He: wow, I dont know what to say
She: how do you not fall in love? How do you not get too attached when you SEE people? I never believed in perfections anyway, i like imperfections. I feel safe, i feel unjudged. 
He: you see too much, people are scared of being seen.
She: i guess thats why they run away then! (Laughs)
He: (laughs with her)

She: Is love a black whole that sucks your soul? Or is it the ray of light, too bright that it burns you? alright!

He: It is to each, what they wish to see within.

She: What is it that you see when you dive deep within? Extream darkness or brightness?

He: how does it even matter, one can't see a bloody thing in either. 
She: Deep within is where you have hosted them all along, the FEAR and the THRUTH. The LOVER and the BRUTE. 


She: when we want someone to want and cradle and caress us, it is the love within us that needs recognition.

He: and when we want and cradle and caress the other, it is the love within them that we recognize 


He: Are you single or coupled?

She: Neither. I am on quest

He: Interesting! What's your quest for?

She: To stay away from people who even remotely find me interesting or evolved.

He: I find you extremely interesting but not evolved.

She: Well, then I am halfway away from you. 

He: Okay, see you at the distance on the other half. 

She: At that distance , I would be neither interesting nor evolved! Whats the point in seeing me then?

He: The point was never in seeing you, it was in being with you.

She: I don't understand a word you say! I think you're crazy.

He: Don't worry, I'll wait till you be too. 


He: what is the difference between a Neemtree and Persian lilac?

She: one is bitter but healthy other is fragrant with pretty flowers but poisonous 

He: just like a mistress and a wife!

She: No, just like your wisdom and your vice.


He: how could you forget everything I have done for you just like that and focus on only the one wrong thing I did?

She: (laughs) is that what you think?!  I forgot? Infact it's the memory of all the things you did right that is making this forgetting so damn difficult. 

 9) He: 4 years ago I had met a small girl, today I see a woman.

She: NO. 4 years ago you didn't give a shit and now things are out of your league. The SMALL girl is still there and the woman was always there. By the way, 4 years ago I met a boy that I didn't mind, now I still see a boy that I don't care. 

He: ouch!


Both: I am sorry!

She: (smiles) As long as you know why and are willing to change that for YOURSELF, you will always be forgiven.

He: (to himself) and you will always be my prayer.


He: I miss you
She: Yup, I myself too.
Both: (Silent) 
He: Are you alright?
She: Yes!
He: You are crying!
She: So? I'll cry, weep I may even howl! And then I'll be back. I will be good to go. As long as I haven't lost myself I'll always be alright.

She: Everything you do is a fight. You wanna belong to the herd? You gotta fight. You wanna be different? You gotta fight. You wanna be rich? You gotta fight. You wanna be happy? You gotta fight. You want to be loved? You gotta fight. You want to live? You must fight. Fight fight fight! fight your family, fight the system, fight your neighbour, fight authority, fight your partner, fight your brother, your sister, your friend who is better, happier, fight your insecurities, fight your demons, fight your dreams, fight for your dreams. IT JUST NEVER ENDS! I am exhausted. 

He: Then don’t fight, let go. Choose love. They say 'love is the answer', you know!

She: Ohh, (smiling) then I just feel like am fighting myself and that’s the most exhaustive. 

He: Well then you don’t know what loving truly means. 

She: May be I don’t.

He: Maybe you don’t want to.

She: May be I don’t want to, may be all this fighting makes me feel stronger, makes me feel purposeful. But now am tiered. 

He: Now do you want to see love?

She: Now I want to sleep instead

He: (Smiling) your kind! Just too stiff, will break but not bend, huh?

She: What else do you expect? When your kind has bent us in so many ways and so many places. We got nothing else to do but break. But don’t forget every time we break, we are more than we were before.

Have you ever got rejected for dreaming big?

When you are girl in your late twenties born to a set of middle class Indian parents, the only "important discussions" that happen for the lavish 4 -5 hours that you are awake at home is "marriage". In your early twenties, finding a match is like some Olympic championship for your parents, there is a routine to their efforts, rhythm to their practice. But by late twenties even your parents hope you had a boyfriend. "Why can’t you make our work easy" they say, especially for someone like me whose, neither job profile nor personal profile can be defined by understandable standards of the majority. I quit my job as a copywriter to become a writer, a farmer, a doodler, a brand ambassador of sustainable naturalist lifestyle. I haven’t made good money for long but I have big plans (as always). I can and have lived 5star and roughed it out with same ease. I can be ambitious and lazy with same diligence. I want to live the rest of my life in my private farm (read forest) yet close to a city (that's not imperative though).so that friends can visit often. 

And guess what I am not being unreal! I can so confidently vouch on my sanity in duality because I am not the first to do it. Hundreds of people I hear of every day quitting their jobs to follow their passion, changing their worlds with a bit more compassion, living or moving towards a healthy life for a healthy planet. I agree this may not appeal to majority of people (who spent lakhs of money to learn and then earn). To you I’d say "you may have a choice to be ignorant, but you do not have the time."


Last week I got rejected in an arrange marriage proposal, and the reason given was "her dreams are too big". Sigh. I wonder if such is ever said about a boy. And if it is, sigh! again. I don’t want to get into how patriarchy cant 'handle women who dream big'(later on that). the truth is society can’t handle individuals who dream big. does the fear of failure of a collective have to be everyone's ultimate truth?  and the worst part is it gets politely coated as 'may be the boy misunderstood your words' , I get told to clear that misunderstanding. I get advised to not 'blurt' out your dreams in the initial stage. I get advised and reminded of the word "compromise". 


I say NO. No my dear boy, there ain’t no misunderstanding. You understood me absolutely right and now I understand you and all those who left absolutely right. You haven’t the courage. I don’t blame you. I didn’t too. But what do I do now? Do I give up the crushing pain I went through to accept myself? Do I give up the fight I fought to tell people exactly who I am? I sacrificed the ones once so dear in order to accept my truth; shall I throw that sacrifice in garbage so that I can compromise for you?  It takes courage my boy, to be exactly who you are, to own your dreams and not be embarrassed of them. It takes courage my boy to be with someone who can dream.  


 No dream is big or small, a dream is just a dream. What can however be quantified is your insecurity. The more your insecurity the farther away you are from your dream and lesser the insecurity the closer you come to your dream. So remember no dream is big or small what matters is 'are you working towards it?'