Thursday, April 26, 2018
Sunday, November 19, 2017
I had once been through a phase where I use to watch a lot of movies alone. At first it was like 'Oh wow my first movie alone in theatre! Write a post, save the ticket.’ Then it started happening a lot and I lost count of how many movies I saw alone in the theatres.
How did that happen?
Well, it was the time when I was doing a lot of 'figuring out myself' things, dealing with depression, anxiety, and loneliness; all in all it was a crazy time. Oh yes, it doesn’t just happen to rich and famous, it’s pretty prevalent. For people from mediocre lives and familes, everyday business gets pretty tough to deal with at times.
Is it easy to talk about it?
It’s tough, I mean people are telling you they love you and care for you all the time but there are days when you just can’t believe any of it. It hurts. The shit is quite real. I remember this one time; I went to my room and locked the door. My father was sleeping in the next room and my mom was in the living room doing some work. And I was crying in my room contemplating suicide. I was planning to gulp all the sleeping pills my psychiatrist had prescribed me. I don’t know if they were sleeping pills or some kind of tranquilisers. All I knew was that a lot of them at a time could do harm. I started reading about them online and it said it may or may not kill, mostly NOT. Suddenly I was petrified. If it kills me then I know, but what if it doesn’t? I knew it could do serious harm and I know mainstream medicine is never spoken of badly in most conventional public spaces. There are always these subtle hints. But what if it really didn’t work? Then what would happen of me?
So I sat there for almost an eternity thinking if I should eat them or not. I was always of this opinion ‘talkers don’t do, doers don’t talk.’ I didn’t even want to leave a goodbye note per say. Just wanted to leave, just wanted to end it all. I was crying, no sound just tears and I could barely breathe. I felt so lonely I can’t describe. I had once seen this movie called ‘what dreams may come’. As a child, it shaped my principals of 'never commit suicide' at the time when teenagers were committing suicide due to academic failure. I was pretty strong as an individual but then the movie’s actor Robbie Williams himself died committing suicide. Just like so many other apparently strong, successful and happy people have. In the movie Williams’ wife commits suicide and ends up in this no man’s land kind of a place, neither hell nor heaven, but a dark lonely place. It seems that is where all people who commit suicide end up. Suddenly I felt so damn lonely. I was feeling any which ways but I knew if I tried to kill myself to escape this I will only die in body. Me the name would be dead but what about the me inside this body? What about my soul, what if it ends up in that dark loneliness for eternity or for whatever time that I would! I don’t know! I don’t know anything and I won’t even be able to kill myself again! Like where am I going escape to from this escape? Suddenly I felt the room becoming too dark and I got scared. When I die I want someone to hold me tight and tell me how much they love me. I guess there is no better heaven than that, the transition from living to dead is lonely, I wasn’t scared of dying or the pain. I was scared of ‘what next’? Where do I go? How far and long and with whom? All alone? Without even a goodbye. I knew if I was lonely now, killing myself would take me to a much lonelier place so I sat there for a long time before I went off to sleep.
It reminded me of all the people who say they have had near to death experiences. I don’t know what they see or how they feel. I simply don’t know! But I have a certain times felt like I was dying and trust me it’s not much about the living or the dead. It’s the transition that freaks you out. It’s lonely, we are all lonely or rather alone and it’s not easy to deal with it. it’s like entering an empty room with no doors and windows and no one around you or going through a tunnel and no one to tell you when its ends, where it ends. No one to hold your hand and say it’s alright. So when people hold you and say they love you, it may be difficult to believe them but do it for the moment at least, accept that love.
How does one get the courage to stay strong?
One doesn’t. However when you have no choice but to stay strong, you stay strong. People will tell you all sorts of things but then again it doesn’t matter if anyone is there with you or not. This is when you truly realise the meaning of loving yourself. You have to go on. You can’t give up on yourself, simply because you don’t know where you are going to end up, in what shape, in what form? You realize that killing yourself is just jumping from a frying pan into the fire. Slowly it starts to matter less what people have to say or do. So you do what you have to and keep yourself afloat. You watch movies alone, you eat alone, you talk less and you slowly get accustomed to being alone. It’s not something that many people would want to do or accept as a solution, but you don’t do it as a solution! You just do it, because you know you just can’t give up and there is no other way out.
So does this happen for a reason or no reason at all?
Sometimes there is a reason, a sad or angry situation, perhaps. But sometimes it’s just a deep sense of lethargy, nothing makes sense, there is just no meaning to anything or anyone around you. The world seems a tumbling mass of senselessness.
Was your suicidal moment reasonless?
Not really. I had previously wished to die but never attempted only imagined an attempt. When I was growing, up a lot of kids where committing suicide mostly as they scored less in the exams. One could hear a story in news almost every few months or so. So you heard different conversations and opinions and as a child you are always very sensitive to others/ elder's opinions around you. Hence I never really dared commit but I used to wish death upon myself. I grew up with a lot of abandonment issues and got severely bullied too. But that day I was scared of myself, I had the least painful tools at my disposal and I had a reason to kill myself. But when I sat there thinking about ‘what happens after I take those pills’ it seemed a lot more scary than my reasons to consume them.
Has anything changed in you after that?
Not much, may be I have become a lot more stubborn and a lot more aloof. Or may be I learnt to pretend how to be happy. Sometimes genuinely be happy. In the sense that nothing truly matters, the ego we hold so dearly, the guilt we can’t rid ourselves from, the love we can’t contain or express, nothing matters as much as staying afloat as long as you can, or as long as the course of things wants you to.
Would you call yourself a nihilist?
I can’t confirm that yet. I still have values and principles that I strongly stand by, I still have faith, I still strive to make myself and my loved ones happy, but I try not to beat myself up about it or let others pull my strings.
Can you say you will never ever try to commit suicide again?
I don’t know, no one knows such things. all I know is I promised myself that day that I would never leave my side, what it may need me to do ? I do not know.
Because we have Google
Our brains are shrinking
We don't have to remember anything
Because we have Google
Our friendships are ruining
We don't trust anybody or anything else.
Because we have Google
Our parents aren't parenting
They're simply Googling
Because we have Google
Our teachers aren't teaching
We are simply copy pasting
Because we have Google
We have no secret dear dairy
We have a blog thats an open book to everybody
Because we have Google
We have no library
We have no chance of exchanging blushed glances with our bookish soulmate.
Because we have Google
We have no yearning of far away places
We scroll through Google images
Because we have Google
We are forgetting the magic of theatres
We are simply YouTubing
Because we have Google
We aren't really living a life
We are just browsing.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Two days ago I read a news paper headline that praised a man for providing or helping several rural households to shift from fire wood stove to LPG gas. One week ago I attended a lecture by a man who claimed to have not used LPG gas, fuel and electricity for the last 13 years. Now there were many youngsters and a few old people but almost everyone a city dweller and praising this man, Dilip Kulkarni for his courage to do so when he himself was a city dweller once upon a time. Now he lives in a rural area in Dapoli.
We the developed, we the civilized have ruined enough. Let us not ruin the rural too by forcing/luring/ fooling them into imitating us. So let’s weigh both sides of this debate. Fire wood stove causes smoke, pollution, leads to deforestation, and cause’s respiratory illness in the rural households. Shall we see the counter points?
1) Not all fire wood is acquired by chopping trees; most rural families especially tribal collect the dead dry fallen branches, twigs and leaves like Mr Kulkarni. And let me tell you this matter is abundant as most trees shed annually, so much so that you can store it for the wet seasons too. But wait, what’s that? We don’t have enough trees you say? Well that’s not because they got chopped for fire wood! But because for “development”, urbanisation, timber smuggling!!! No fool will burn down the bank where he/she holds an account. But civilized greedy fools like us would definitely loot the very bank where we hold an account. Also it isn’t always wood, sometimes dried cow dung or cattle dung is also used as fuel.
2) Smoke, you say? Well designers, engineers all innovative creative thinkers! I beckon you! And some have already jumped to the task, ‘chullahs’ that effectively burn wood giving out less smoke, some convert heat energy into electric energy enough to charge basic cell phones (which is what villagers mostly use) or a torch light, some are designed so that the smoke is let out far away from the house. So this also deals with the issue of - cause’s respiratory illnesses. And if the issue really is about wood smoke or cowdung smoke causing respiratory illnesses, I challenge you so called nature lovers, don’t you dare put on a camp fire will trekking in winters. All you religious or ayurveda fanatics, don’t you dare perform ‘agnihom’ (puja)
3) Pollution? Well, far less than your cars, industries, power generators. Also the major gas that comes out is CO2 as opposed to carbon monoxide, methane, sulphur oxide, etc poisonous gases from other activities.
Now let’s talk about LPG.
1) Do you have any idea how much of natural gas escapes and literally gets wasted during extraction?
2) Did you know natural gas is a limited natural resource? It takes millions of years for it to form!
3) What about the set ups, machineries etc that work to extract this natural gas by ripping the earth, do they not run on electricity generated by burning coal? Is that not smoke, pollution? No may be its fragrant incense sticks for you.
4) What about the productive land that gets wasted on such set ups?
5) What is the material input and pollution caused in the process of making/extracting the material used for filling/containing LPG gas?
6) What is the fuel/ electricity consumption of the transport system used for distributing LPG from point to point?
7) What is the input such as land space, construction material, electricity etc used for storage of gas cylinders?
8) What are the dangers of accidental blasts of such storage centres, distribution channels or end point usage? What is the magnitude of pollution caused then?
When my dear human, are you actually going to use your brains and stop pretending to be using them? We sincerely don’t have much time to be fooling around with this planet anymore and to fool ourselves. Learn to acknowledge real devils as opposed to lesser devils. Just because your LPG gas stove does not give out smoke, it does not mean it’s a saint! Fried food gives out smoke, no matter what medium you cook it with! So would you say fried food is causing global warming?? Would you stop eating it?? Well you definitely should for health reasons and yes fried foods do cause CO2 emissions. But what we are looking to understand here is the relativity. Please don’t be fooled by the government funded media. Do give up your LPG gas subsidies, in fact I’d say give up your LPG gas but not so that our villages are blindly converted into the ever so disastrous cities.
Grow more trees, solar cookers, subsidize solar cookers in villages and in cities, use other forms of renewable fuel and so much more. That’s what we need- real solutions; everything else is a gimmick to win your vote. And before anyone comments, yes I do use LPG as I write this and have been using it all my life. But now I know, and now has my struggle started to live basic. And no matter what, you can’t deny the reality of the debate I have laid out above.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Soulmates are apparently two elements of the same soul that are split into yin energy and yang energy, birthed on the planet earth and then embark on the journey to find each other (My god universe! You are one heck of a bored psychopath). Apparently these souls come together fornicate and unite as one into the form of their ‘this planet needs no more humans’ child. And so the circle is complete!! (How do you feel about it universe? level one of your psychopathic game complete!) BUT, the real trouble starts when the not so soulmates fornicate and create a soul that wasn’t universes’ plan (universe: “damn you bugs! How did I not see that coming? Device hacked!”). So are these children less evolved or may be more evolved souls than the kids of true soul mates? Is that how more souls get born (souls not bodies). I mean, some souls apparently attain nirvana and free themselves from the cycle of rebirth so there has to be a system of generating new ones right? think about it, how will universe go on playing its sick game if all souls attain nirvana? So what about these mistakes? Are they better like the mistakes of evolution? (Read the theory “evolution is nothing but a series of mistakes”) are they more interesting? Do they not have partner souls as universe wasn’t really planning on them? Are their partners the offspring of another ‘not a soulmate’ couple? You know like, mistakes get along with mistakes! Or are they suppose to team up with kids of true soulmates because they are so damn “complete”, their only hope of undoing the error of their parents. May be that’s what it is; the complete souls help these half souls to become complete and the half souls give these complete souls a purpose and entertainment. Or........
Okay if you want me to shut up, I will shut up. But don’t tell me this is something you can ignore. When the night is dark, the curtains drawn and you are ready to escape to the fairyland, trust me you will lay wide awake and dream of nightmares with your open eyes. And you will be too the victim of “overthinking” then! Or Naah. But think about it, isn’t this all too intriguing?
Sunday, October 8, 2017
रुक जा जरा
देख तो ले एक पल!
कैसे खडे है राह मे
एकसाथ होकर भी न मिलकर।
किसी का रंग अलग किसी का रूप अलग
कही कद अलग कही घेर अलग।
किसी की बाँहें आसमान को चूमती
किसी की हवा संग झूलती
मगर जड़ें सबकी जमीन पे ही रेंगती।
जैसे कोई जाल रोकना चाहें किसी धारा को
जो अाज तक किसीके लिए न रुकी।
काट रहे उस तूफान को
जिसने आज तक न जाने काटे है कितनें परवत।
छान रहे उस सूरज को
जिसने जला कर राख कर दिया न जाने कितनों को।
यह हैं जंगल!
सदियों से रहा धीट
प्रतीक अनेकता मे एकता का
भिन्नता मे छुपी सुंदरता का।
कह रहा है तुझसे ऐ इनसान
रुक जा जरा एक पल
देख तो ले!
जिंदगी दौड़ मे नहीं
उस थमें हुए पल मे मिलती है
कलियां तेरे सीने पर लटकी माला मे नहीं
मेरी रगों मे झूलती डाल पे खीलती है
जरा देख तो ले!
Monday, September 11, 2017
Because it won't stop hurting,
You make it stop existing.
Because it won't be the the same,
You tell yourself it was always lame.
Because no one sees what you have become,
You be who you never were.
The mornings don't start with chirping sparrows anymore,
Its the drilling of ground opposite my window.
A new building will rise,
Just like one fine day mine did.
I wake up cursing them, "rascals took away my view",
Just like the old guy in the old building next to mine did.
And because no one ever stops cursing, what is happening will happen.
I thought I was making a difference.
I was rendered speechless,
When they asked me, "to whom?"
I thought I was getting better,
But I only got more confused.
I want to breath,
But I keep forgetting.
I want to feel,
But I keep dismissing.
And now the only thing I wait to see,
is the pink skies of equinox.
Because no rose is as rosie as the one in a bunch of sticks.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Before entering my home please be mindful of the following:
Do dont ask my child what do you want to be when they grow up. Who said they can only be one thing, dont tell them experiencing anything fully is less important than achievement.
Don't ask them what is their favourite subject. Ask them what they enjoy doing.
Don't say things like 'you are to small for this' or 'you are old enough for that.'
Don't say things like you can't or you won't or you shouldn't. Ask them why they want to do what they want to do.
Don't tell them you are very pretty. Tell them exactly what about them you find pretty and also that its just your individual opinion not everyone may agree.
Don't keep smiling at them like a retard or maniac for longer than 5 secs. You can stare blankly at them, smile, laugh, frown, make funny faces even cry if you must. But if you are going to hold eye contact with them for longer than 5 secs let it not be a fake smile.
Don't you dare yell, shout or howl at them unless you were mimcing wolves or shouting with joy.
If you shout on others in front of them say sorry to them after you are done shouting. Remember both compassion and frustration are natural emotions and can be dealt with, hatred however is not.
If they shout or throw tantrums at you simply walk away. If they follow you, tell them you only speak to kind people.
Don't ask them to sing and dance for your entertainment, if they choose to do it just watch. And don't tell/show them how they can better it. You can do that when the stage is all yours.
Don't ask them who do they like more, mom or dad. Ask them instead who is their fav teacher and why.
Ask them what new they learnedand not just in school.
Don't ask them what is their favourite pet.
Ask them when was the last they played with, feed or loved any living creature or went in to a forest.
Don't ask them who is their best friend at school, ask them who are the nice people at school they know and why.
Don't ask them what is their favorite food, unless you yourself plan to cook for them.
Don't give them gifts without a story.
If you see them crying don't ask them to stop, ask why and how can you help. And don't help unless they want you to so also ask 'do you want me to help?'. Or else come and talk to me. And while they tell you why they are crying please just listen. Remember children are never shy of asking help due to ego, thats just us. If they dont want your help may be they dont trust you and may be they have a good reason not to.
If you find anything written above rude. Please do not entre my home. Because I may not be able to control what happens outside this door nor would Istop my children from exploring it but on this side of the door its a sweet haven they return to.