Sunday, October 8, 2017
रुक जा जरा
देख तो ले एक पल!
कैसे खडे है राह मे
एकसाथ होकर भी न मिलकर।
किसी का रंग अलग किसी का रूप अलग
कही कद अलग कही घेर अलग।
किसी की बाँहें आसमान को चूमती
किसी की हवा संग झूलती
मगर जड़ें सबकी जमीन पे ही रेंगती।
जैसे कोई जाल रोकना चाहें किसी धारा को
जो अाज तक किसीके लिए न रुकी।
काट रहे उस तूफान को
जिसने आज तक न जाने काटे है कितनें परवत।
छान रहे उस सूरज को
जिसने जला कर राख कर दिया न जाने कितनों को।
यह हैं जंगल!
सदियों से रहा धीट
प्रतीक अनेकता मे एकता का
भिन्नता मे छुपी सुंदरता का।
कह रहा है तुझसे ऐ इनसान
रुक जा जरा एक पल
देख तो ले!
जिंदगी दौड़ मे नहीं
उस थमें हुए पल मे मिलती है
कलियां तेरे सीने पर लटकी माला मे नहीं
मेरी रगों मे झूलती डाल पे खीलती है
जरा देख तो ले!
Its too painful to now hide my true emotions. May be our hands do represent our souls, may be mine are not meant to be tough, nor manicured. May be they were meant to be delicate in a distinct way, may be they were meant to simply caress, meant to create pictures of dreams or poems without words.
Monday, September 11, 2017
Because it won't stop hurting,
You make it stop existing.
Because it won't be the the same,
You tell yourself it was always lame.
Because no one sees what you have become,
You be who you never were.
The mornings don't start with chirping sparrows anymore,
Its the drilling of ground opposite my window.
A new building will rise,
Just like one fine day mine did.
I wake up cursing them, "rascals took away my view",
Just like the old guy in the old building next to mine did.
And because no one ever stops cursing, what is happening will happen.
I thought I was making a difference.
I was rendered speechless,
When they asked me, "to whom?"
I thought I was getting better,
But I only got more confused.
I want to breath,
But I keep forgetting.
I want to feel,
But I keep dismissing.
And now the only thing I wait to see,
is the pink skies of equinox.
Because no rose is as rosie as the one in a bunch of sticks.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Before entering my home please be mindful of the following:
Do dont ask my child what do you want to be when they grow up. Who said they can only be one thing, dont tell them experiencing anything fully is less important than achievement.
Don't ask them what is their favourite subject. Ask them what they enjoy doing.
Don't say things like 'you are to small for this' or 'you are old enough for that.'
Don't say things like you can't or you won't or you shouldn't. Ask them why they want to do what they want to do.
Don't tell them you are very pretty. Tell them exactly what about them you find pretty and also that its just your individual opinion not everyone may agree.
Don't keep smiling at them like a retard or maniac for longer than 5 secs. You can stare blankly at them, smile, laugh, frown, make funny faces even cry if you must. But if you are going to hold eye contact with them for longer than 5 secs let it not be a fake smile.
Don't you dare yell, shout or howl at them unless you were mimcing wolves or shouting with joy.
If you shout on others in front of them say sorry to them after you are done shouting. Remember both compassion and frustration are natural emotions and can be dealt with, hatred however is not.
If they shout or throw tantrums at you simply walk away. If they follow you, tell them you only speak to kind people.
Don't ask them to sing and dance for your entertainment, if they choose to do it just watch. And don't tell/show them how they can better it. You can do that when the stage is all yours.
Don't ask them who do they like more, mom or dad. Ask them instead who is their fav teacher and why.
Ask them what new they learnedand not just in school.
Don't ask them what is their favourite pet.
Ask them when was the last they played with, feed or loved any living creature or went in to a forest.
Don't ask them who is their best friend at school, ask them who are the nice people at school they know and why.
Don't ask them what is their favorite food, unless you yourself plan to cook for them.
Don't give them gifts without a story.
If you see them crying don't ask them to stop, ask why and how can you help. And don't help unless they want you to so also ask 'do you want me to help?'. Or else come and talk to me. And while they tell you why they are crying please just listen. Remember children are never shy of asking help due to ego, thats just us. If they dont want your help may be they dont trust you and may be they have a good reason not to.
If you find anything written above rude. Please do not entre my home. Because I may not be able to control what happens outside this door nor would Istop my children from exploring it but on this side of the door its a sweet haven they return to.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Today i met a nomadic lady at a farm while buying goat dung. She must have been my age and had a 2 yr old daughter. She was dark, bright eyes, forehead smeared with kumkum, hair matted in dreadlocks and with a piercing gaze. The 1st thing she asked me was 'do you have a sister?' Which ofcorse i found quite strange for the first most thing to say to a person you just met. i nodded yes. 'And brother?' i nodded no. Then she started asking me lot of questions that i found invasive like was my sister married, was i married , where do i hail from what would i do with goat dung and where i got vegetables saplings from. I decided to answer all her questions with a smile instead of the initial hesitation. At that point i got a bit comfortable and started asking her some questions too.
I realized how much we city folks are always on our gaurds, doubting everything and everyone's motives. The only thing we end up gaurding is our ignorance.
Very often i have had these visions and urges to walk into a forest lured in by the seductress like slanting sunrays or a butterfly. You walk right into the middle of a forest enchanted and wake up all of a sudden. Your are exhilarated and scared at the same time and you couldn't love your life more! That's when you realize what it truely means when you read 'one is truly saved by breaking the walls down not building them, love is met by surrendering not acquiring'. Until then these are merely fancy words.
He: wont you fall in love with me?
She: do you want me to?
She:okay, then i will fall in love with you...just like i fell in love with the rest of them, and when the time comes i will get over you...just like i got over the rest of them.
He: why will you get over me?
She: what do you do with people who leave? ......No, I dont hate them. You cant really hate someone you have once loved. You can only love the next one a bit less.
A peck on the lips in a hall full of people
He: hey may be you shouldnt kiss me in front of so many people
She: why are you shy?
He: no its just...am sorry but i cant stay
She: don't worry, won't keep you
She: you're the one i would rather live than live with.
A kiss on the lips in a heart full of dreams
He: I really like spending time with you. I did rather just waste all my time with you than anything else.
She: It is really sweet of you to say such things! You are always saying nice things.
He: but you never do
She: (silent)......am ...just a little scared
He: of what?
She: (sigh) scared of being too attached to people and then watching them run away from you (shy laugh)
He: is it bad?
She: it hurts bad
He: how do you get too attached to people?
She: because I see people
He: silent (confused)
She: (places a palm on his shoulder) you, you are close to your mom, not much to your dad but you so want to make him proud of you. You are inspired by him. You have been hurt before, so you hide yourself behind humor and sarcasm, you bottle up your anger. You hate your past lovers but you can't be mean to them, you did rather be behind-the-scenes villan than tell people you hate them to their face. You love being the center of attention. And you know how to frame your words, say all the right things at all the right times. Your kind and sweet but not brave and thats ok.
He: wow, I dont know what to say
She: how do you not fall in love? How do you not get too attached when you SEE people? I never believed in perfections anyway, i like imperfections. I feel safe, i feel unjudged.
He: you see too much, people are scared of being seen.
She: i guess thats why they run away then! (Laughs)
He: (laughs with her)
She: Is love a black whole that sucks your soul? Or is it the ray of light, too bright that it burns you? alright!
He: It is to each, what they wish to see within.
She: What is it that you see when you dive deep within? Extream darkness or brightness?
He: how does it even matter, one can't see a bloody thing in either.
She: Deep within is where you have hosted them all along, the FEAR and the THRUTH. The LOVER and the BRUTE.
She: when we want someone to want and cradle and caress us, it is the love within us that needs recognition.
He: and when we want and cradle and caress the other, it is the love within them that we recognize
He: Are you single or coupled?
She: Neither. I am on quest
He: Interesting! What's your quest for?
She: To stay away from people who even remotely find me interesting or evolved.
He: I find you extremely interesting but not evolved.
She: Well, then I am halfway away from you.
He: Okay, see you at the distance on the other half.
She: At that distance , I would be neither interesting nor evolved! Whats the point in seeing me then?
He: The point was never in seeing you, it was in being with you.
She: I don't understand a word you say! I think you're crazy.
He: Don't worry, I'll wait till you be too.
He: what is the difference between a Neemtree and Persian lilac?
She: one is bitter but healthy other is fragrant with pretty flowers but poisonous
He: just like a mistress and a wife!
She: No, just like your wisdom and your vice.
He: how could you forget everything I have done for you just like that and focus on only the one wrong thing I did?
She: (laughs) is that what you think?! I forgot? Infact it's the memory of all the things you did right that is making this forgetting so damn difficult.
9) He: 4 years ago I had met a small girl, today I see a woman.
She: NO. 4 years ago you didn't give a shit and now things are out of your league. The SMALL girl is still there and the woman was always there. By the way, 4 years ago I met a boy that I didn't mind, now I still see a boy that I don't care.
Both: I am sorry!
She: (smiles) As long as you know why and are willing to change that for YOURSELF, you will always be forgiven.
He: (to himself) and you will always be my prayer.
He: I miss you
She: Yup, I myself too.
He: Are you alright?
He: You are crying!
She: So? I'll cry, weep I may even howl! And then I'll be back. I will be good to go. As long as I haven't lost myself I'll always be alright.
She: Everything you do is a fight. You wanna belong to the herd? You gotta fight. You wanna be different? You gotta fight. You wanna be rich? You gotta fight. You wanna be happy? You gotta fight. You want to be loved? You gotta fight. You want to live? You must fight. Fight fight fight! fight your family, fight the system, fight your neighbour, fight authority, fight your partner, fight your brother, your sister, your friend who is better, happier, fight your insecurities, fight your demons, fight your dreams, fight for your dreams. IT JUST NEVER ENDS! I am exhausted.
He: Then don’t fight, let go. Choose love. They say 'love is the answer', you know!
She: Ohh, (smiling) then I just feel like am fighting myself and that’s the most exhaustive.
He: Well then you don’t know what loving truly means.
She: May be I don’t.
He: Maybe you don’t want to.
She: May be I don’t want to, may be all this fighting makes me feel stronger, makes me feel purposeful. But now am tiered.
He: Now do you want to see love?
She: Now I want to sleep instead
He: (Smiling) your kind! Just too stiff, will break but not bend, huh?
She: What else do you expect? When your kind has bent us in so many ways and so many places. We got nothing else to do but break. But don’t forget every time we break, we are more than we were before.
When you are girl in your late twenties born to a set of middle class Indian parents, the only "important discussions" that happen for the lavish 4 -5 hours that you are awake at home is "marriage". In your early twenties, finding a match is like some Olympic championship for your parents, there is a routine to their efforts, rhythm to their practice. But by late twenties even your parents hope you had a boyfriend. "Why can’t you make our work easy" they say, especially for someone like me whose, neither job profile nor personal profile can be defined by understandable standards of the majority. I quit my job as a copywriter to become a writer, a farmer, a doodler, a brand ambassador of sustainable naturalist lifestyle. I haven’t made good money for long but I have big plans (as always). I can and have lived 5star and roughed it out with same ease. I can be ambitious and lazy with same diligence. I want to live the rest of my life in my private farm (read forest) yet close to a city (that's not imperative though).so that friends can visit often.
And guess what I am not being unreal! I can so confidently vouch on my sanity in duality because I am not the first to do it. Hundreds of people I hear of every day quitting their jobs to follow their passion, changing their worlds with a bit more compassion, living or moving towards a healthy life for a healthy planet. I agree this may not appeal to majority of people (who spent lakhs of money to learn and then earn). To you I’d say "you may have a choice to be ignorant, but you do not have the time."
Last week I got rejected in an arrange marriage proposal, and the reason given was "her dreams are too big". Sigh. I wonder if such is ever said about a boy. And if it is, sigh! again. I don’t want to get into how patriarchy cant 'handle women who dream big'(later on that). the truth is society can’t handle individuals who dream big. does the fear of failure of a collective have to be everyone's ultimate truth? and the worst part is it gets politely coated as 'may be the boy misunderstood your words' , I get told to clear that misunderstanding. I get advised to not 'blurt' out your dreams in the initial stage. I get advised and reminded of the word "compromise".
I say NO. No my dear boy, there ain’t no misunderstanding. You understood me absolutely right and now I understand you and all those who left absolutely right. You haven’t the courage. I don’t blame you. I didn’t too. But what do I do now? Do I give up the crushing pain I went through to accept myself? Do I give up the fight I fought to tell people exactly who I am? I sacrificed the ones once so dear in order to accept my truth; shall I throw that sacrifice in garbage so that I can compromise for you? It takes courage my boy, to be exactly who you are, to own your dreams and not be embarrassed of them. It takes courage my boy to be with someone who can dream.
No dream is big or small, a dream is just a dream. What can however be quantified is your insecurity. The more your insecurity the farther away you are from your dream and lesser the insecurity the closer you come to your dream. So remember no dream is big or small what matters is 'are you working towards it?'
Thursday, July 13, 2017
You will meet a million people who will tell you they are nature lovers, they enjoy being surrounded by nature. But what they really say is I enjoy sitting in veranda of a cemented house full of conveniences and a butler who brings me my tea and be surrounded by lawn, a few plants that i can't name, a mountain in far off view and just the right amount of rain falling through the sunlit skies.
Very few love it like a mad lover dying to fall into its deep muddy pits, trace its gaigantic curves and fall into its darkest valleys, be swept of their feet by the angry rivers, brush their fingers through its thorny bushes and touch their lips over its bitter most fruits. And these will never tell you they are nature lovers. The mere mention of it make their eyes twinkle with tears that only separated lovers cry.
I am the girl learning to walk alone, be alone.
I am the girl who is a little blind, deaf and mute.
Cause I fail to see the way you stare at me, hear the words you throw at me or speak the words you want me to.
I am the girl who never quite grew up, who denies to be a woman to a man, cause in this world if you are not a woman to a man, you are not a woman at all.
So I'd rather be the little girl who's told not to talk to strangers, than a women who is told to cook and dress well for strangers.
I'd rather be the little girl who is encouraged to study well and compet to be 1st in a class full of girls and boys! than a women who is encouraged to marry a boy earning more than her.
I'd rather be the little girl who can sit, walk or run as she pleases, than a woman who can as the man pleases.
I'd rather be the little girl who can talk, sing or howl as she fancies than woman who is told to shut up to the fancy of the man.
And just when you think am the little girl you can pick, bully or hurt, I will be the woman who plays with knives. Cause I know this world a little better than the naive little girl I seem to be.
And just when you think you can't stop but admire and encourage this little girl, I will be the women better than your dreams.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Lately I have been attracted to certain couples. No not in a bisexual way, but in an 'I want that for me way. Have you ever seen two people in a relationship and felt like, ‘I wanna hangout with them more often, pretty much all the time’ and not with just one of them but both TOGETHER. Also you don’t feel like a third wheel when you are with them, you are just plain curious to see how do they do it? How do they manage to be so simple, so non dramatic and so connected. You actually start to believe that the more time you spend with them, the more you increase the possibility of finding similar reality for yourself. And it is not some fake lovey dovey, ‘oh we are so in love’ mushy, pukey stuff. It’s just two people living their reality with absolute honesty, oblivious to the world watching them. And I don’t just mean romantic relationships. I use to envy a friend for the kind of fun, open relationship she shared with her mom and another friend for how rich and frank and confident her dad was. There are a lot of connections that we start to crave I our lives only after we witness their existence in someone else’s; and then these become the parameters to measure the success of connections we share in our existing relationships. Now, I once read, ‘you can’t change / choose your family”. You literally don’t have a choice; your family is just thrust upon you just the way you are on them. My friend could never get my mom, who by the way cooks way better than hers or a dad who share s and supports (financially and in spirit) my love for travel, nature and simplicity. So I stopped craving to better my relationships to those imposing parameters. And I can only hope and pray that I don’t forget this and act with similar understanding towards my future partner. But hell man! You cannot deny what you feel when you see two genuine people in a genuinely strong connection and go ‘I want that! I sooo bloody want that for me’. I guess this is what they call “Falling in Love with Love”